Sorry guys I really need a good vent. This whole IIH thing has just made my depression unbearable, if i'm not being made to feel like a pathetic drama queen for admitting i'm ill then i'm going crazy thinking i'm overreacting. I feel like i'm all alone in a huge room and someone has turned the lights off and if I could just find the light switch then i'm sure everything would be ok but i'm just groping around in the dark and i'm terrified because I don't think ill ever get out. Since I began treatment I just haven't been able to feel any better at all and the medication just wont touch my symptoms.

And to add insult to injury I found out not so long ago that I most likely will not be able to have children. I think this is pretty much the icing on the cake because all I have ever wanted are kids of my own...I just know I was born to be a mum and i've practically raised most of my siblings my younger brother who died when I was 7, my younger cousin who is like a brother to me and my baby sister. Its so unfair i'm 21 years old, I barely even got to celebrate my birthday before I was dragged into hospital and stabbed and poked it was literally like 5 days after!!!! I mean these are supposed to be the best days of my life and I can barely leave the house, then I lost my job and it took me ages to find a new one so I can barely afford my rent now =[

Today I just stood crying in a shop that had the most adorable baby grows because I know i'll never get to experience the joy of becoming a mother, I've been saving boxes and boxes of my old books and i've bought a couple of collections of fairytales, and I could barely wait till the day I got to read them to my own kids. I was going to adore them and thoroughly enjoy every second of watching them grow and teaching them. I also feel horrible for my fiance because I know its all he wants and I know I cant give it to him. As if I wasn't worthless enough now I can't even give him a child..... I genuinely just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up, I'm entirely sure every ones life would be so much better if I did.

I sent you a PM.


Great big hugs to you! I'm praying for you.

Adeline, I am so sorry for your troubling news. You are indeed among caring friends here, so please do feel free to vent away. It is better to try to let it out.
You have been hit with so much difficult news in such a short period of time, it would be so difficult for anyone to deal with. I hope your fiancé is able to support you through all this. Having just one or two major life events can cause depression, and you have been hit with far too many. I would highly recommend asking your doctor for a referral to a counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist. The reason is two fold. In addition to being someone who may be able to give you suggestions on a frequent basis as to what you can/should do, they could get you onto meds that not only help with depression, but may also help with the pain, like Amitriptyline or Nortriptyline, or even maybe valium or something along those lines. Don't try to be "tuff." We know that you are. We can see that. Just sometimes it makes things a wee bit easier when we have help.

In the meanwhile,

Adeline, I'm so sorry and I completely understand!!! I also fell into a deep depression once I found I couldn't have children. I didn't realize I had IIH at the time, so I did counseling and meds. I kept spiraling down until I hit bottom. I also lost my job..I moved back home w/ my parents. It was the worst and darkest time of my life!

I really struggled until they diagnosed and treated my IIH. I did ok w/ meds at first, but my IIH came back w/ a vengeance after my hysterectomy. I ended up w/ a lumbar shunt w/i a year of that surgery, but it ended up being one of the best things I ever did. I had been very ill w/ different things for several years, so it took me awhile to recover and get back on my feet. I've been able to maintain full time employment for several years now, even w/ a few revisions. I still wish that I could have children, but know that I would try to adopt if I was in a longterm relationship and had someone to pick up the slack. I have a lot of friends and family w/ children, so have been a surrogate aunt for many..in a way it's been more rewarding b/c I don't have to deal w/ them on my bad days, but can spoil the snot out of them on the good ones..lol. I guess I just want you to know there is hope!!!

I'd definitely follow up w/ whoever's managing your IIH and let them know you're getting more depressed. It can be a symptom of IIH, but also a side effect of meds..you may need a change. Counseling may also help you sort out and deal w/ the losses you've endured..your health, children, job, etc. Just hang in there and keep plugging..it can get better!!!!


Julie

Adeline, are you feeling any better?

Hi guys

I really am feeling better its been a pretty tough week but im getting counselling, im still unsure whats going on on the baby front so ill just have to wait and see. But i can still get up and get to work, and there are just so many truly amazing people with amazing stories that if i didnt fight my buns off id feel as if i were letting you all down thanks again for your kind messages.

and

Thanks for the update..I'm glad you're feeling better! All you can do is take things one day at a time and do your best..we're pulling for you!

I'm so pleased you are feeling a bit better , I know how difficult this disease is to live with, and I've been down the depression route many times myself with it. We're all here for you and we're all in your corner. Like Julie says, just take one day at a time and one thing at a time, and remember, you're only human!
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It's good to hear that you are feeling better Adeline. I wish that I could say that I haven't been in the same place before, but I have, and I know it's a hard road to go down. Acceptance and understanding take time, and sometimes, you wonder if you have enough energy for it. Just remember, you're not alone, and you have a place to come vent and people who understand to listen.